Unapologetically Becky

So usually, I come here when I’ve had a shocking day to clear my head. When I need to put my feelings and thoughts down on to paper before my brain shatters into a thousand tiny little pieces.

However, today is different. Today was a good day. Today was one of those days where you think “this is actually worth working hard for.” My boss complimented my work and said she is happy with me. I thanked her for her compliment but inside I was jumping for joy!!

Maybe this is the start of something amazing. The re-branding of Miss Evans. Watch this space!

B x

I’m on my half term holidays at the moment. I am a teacher and I know that the less informed members of the public assume this means I’m sat on my fat arse drinking wine and eating copious amounts of chocolate?

I can assure you that this isn’t true. Its prosecco…

All jokes aside I’ve been into school today to do some work and something felt a little different. This next half term is my first time in a very long time being a full time teacher. I am fully in charge of 28 three and four year olds and while this is terrifying, it’s also immensely exciting. I finally get to make my own decisions and organise the room to aid the children’s learning.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m properly shitting it. However, I am truly excited at the same time. I mean, Becky 5 months ago would not have been spending an evening reading “Best practice in the early years” by Alistair Bryce-Clegg and highlighting interesting ideologies! Maybe she’s back, bloody finally!

B x

It’s been a tough few months. I’ve found myself dipping back into my old routine of self doubting and over thinking. I’ve been forgetting my strategies and concluding that I’m just doomed to be a failure for life.

Until I stopped. I stopped and thought “why am I doing this to myself?” Nobody else is doing this to me. I’m hurting myself from the inside out, loathing my actions and my decisions. I’ve convinced myself that I’m going to be bad at my new role at work before I’ve even given myself a chance to try. Before I’ve given myself a chance to prove myself and my worth.

So this is where it stops and a new chapter begins. I will strive to be the best version of myself, even if that means listening to my body and giving myself a night of work. Even if it means having a long bath with a new Netflix season and forgetting about reality for a while. It’s my chance to show the world what I’m made of. How exciting.

B x

Here I am going to place a few quotes to remind myself of my worth and to love myself more.

She loved the sea.

She liked the sharp salty smell of the air, and the vastness of the horizons bounded only by a vault of azure sky above.

It made her feel small, but free as well.

-George R. R. Martin-

Anxiety and depression is crap. Like, really crap. Today it caused me to cry in the cupboard and in front of people in work. It made me feel so paranoid that everyone was talking about me when they probably weren’t. It made me feel like I am the shittest teacher imaginable and that I might as well leave because nobody would miss me or even wonder where I was.

It also made me thankful. Thankful for the amazing friends I have who are there for me when I’m down. And even if that’s the only thing I have to be thankful for, it’s something worth getting up for in the morning.

It’s a blip, a pretty long blip but it’ll get better. I promise it will Bec.

B x

Here I am sat in a spa on a sun lounger. I can hear the sound of the hot tub and people chatting happily to one another. I wish I was the sort of person who could sit alone and read and not feel anxious. But I’m not. I should feel relaxed. But I don’t. I feel everyone’s eyes on my chubby body even though nobody actually gives a shit and no-one is actually looking at me.

This week has been hard. My relationship ended abruptly and I’m struggling to cut this person off completely. Even though I know deep down that cold turkey will help, I can’t do it. I still care about them and want to talk to them, even though it’s not the same. I know that we aren’t ever going to get back together and every message reminds me of this so why can’t I stop messaging?!

Sometimes I hate my brain.

After one of the worst days of my life, I’m broken.

I don’t know what to do or what to say.

I’m alone again and I don’t think I can cope with it.

So hands up, who here is 100% happy all of the time?! Nobody? Okay good!

I don’t think I’m happy 50% of the time at the moment. I’m working so hard at trying to be positive and find 3 positive things about each day. Sometimes there’s 1, sometimes there’s 7! And that’s okay! 1 is better than 0.

I have decided to attempt to document these daily positives in the hope that I can remind myself of how beautiful life can be in those dark moments.

So here’s day 1 of #100daysofhappiness. Its the first day of my half term holiday and I’ve been to the doctors, I’m on new anxiety medication and my good friend is coming later to slob while we put the world to rights. I might even treat myself and do some cooking!

I hope I keep this up..

B x

My friend passed away. It happened around Christmas and he had been poorly for many years. However I’m struggling. I’m finding it hard to grieve because I don’t want to believe he’s gone.

He used to live next door to me and his wife still does. He was one of the first people to hold me as a baby at the end of my drive way. He told my dad to love every minute of me because time moves so quickly. How right he was.

I used to see him almost daily. He would come out to see us when we pulled on the drive. The first thing I’d think of when I had major life news was to tell them. My honorary grandparents. The people I’ve loved for all of my life and the people I know more than some of my own blood relatives.

And now he’s gone. He’s been taken away from me and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say or how to talk to his wife. I am scared of going to their house because it’s not the same. He’s not in his chair with his heated blanket that he’d forget to plug in. He hasn’t got his tablet that he can’t work, trying to put his horse bets on. The street is very quiet and has a continuous dark shadow. I’m finding it hard to grieve.

This has been written very quickly and hasn’t been checked over, I needed a place to talk. That’s what this is for right?

B x